Me bro sent this to me earlier this week and I've been saving it for the NVC
nazis.   :-)

  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your  hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the         freshly-painted
vertical stabilizer which you had         carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get         to it.

        WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
        them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
        light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
        calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
        to say, "Oh s---!"

        ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
        rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

        SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
        studs too short.

        PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used
        in the creation of blood-blisters.

          BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used
        to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
        refinishing jobs.

        HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
        the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
        energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
        more you attempt to influence its course, the more
        dismal your future becomes.

       VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
        completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
        available, they can also be used to transfer intense
        welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
        prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to
        the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
        lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
        fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
        wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

        TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
        used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
        integrity.

        HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
        automobile to the ground after you have installed
        your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
        firmly under the bumper.

        EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
        an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
        handle.

        E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
        harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly
        off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future
        use.

        BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
       used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
        smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
        can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
        of the outside edge.

        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
        tensile strength of everything you forgot to

       CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
       pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
       screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

       AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
        vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
        paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
        shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
        strip out Phillips screw heads.

        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
        Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
        non-removable screws.

       PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
        surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
        remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

        HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

        HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
        hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
        locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
       we are trying to hit.

        MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
       contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
        front door; works particularly well on contents such
        as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
        collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
        plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
        clothes, but only while in use.

        DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
        cross the garage while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top
        of your lungs. Usually involves blood loss. It is
        also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

       S--T CLIP": A small circular or hairpin-style
       retaining clip typically used to hold small shafts
        in place (ie: carburetor throttle shaft). The name
        comes from every mechanics' expression the moment
        when a clip pops off the shaft and falls under the
        car.

        In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
        Tape.

        If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.

        If it should not move and does, use the duct tape

--
Neil
'82 Diesel Westy
Peace of